It’s not looking too good, y’all. You may remember that last week I was alarmed that Newmoji Friday brought us only 4 new bitmojis instead of the usual 6 that has been the standard weekly output since the app launched in 2014. Now one week later we’re down to 3 new ones. Is this an intentional slowdown? Perhaps a result of layoffs or unexpected departures at Bitstrips, Inc.? Or maybe it’s just that the main artist(s?)/idea people are on vacation, and we can expect our usual allotment on their return? The Bitmoji Twitter feed is silent on the matter, so we’re left to mere idle speculation. Anyhow, I’m not on holiday, so let’s see how these new bitmojis rate.
It would be one thing if Bitmoji was dialing down the quantity of new releases so they could concentrate more fully on upping the quality of each new release, but that theory is pretty much blown to hell by our first new bitmoji this week, “No Bueno.” which takes 2017’s “Bueno.”, slaps a “No” on it, adjusts the font hues and avatar expression and calls it a day.
No, you don’t. You don’t win. Nobody wins this week with such low-effort newmojis like “I Win” which merely copies the avatar pose and exprsession of 2016’s “Do It.”, just flipping it horizontally and zooming out to waist-level. At least “I Win” is a wholly new phrase, and a decently useful one at that, though we already did have access to “The Champ”, “#1”, and “Medal Winner” to get across a very similar idea, albeit with a cheerier disposition. Maybe the addition of a royal crown would have given this one a little more spark?
If we’re talking about Bitmoji of the Week, then no, you’re not it. Despite beating out your two crappy competitors this week with your nothing-to-brag-about 4-rating, I’ve decided it just wouldn’t be respectful of past honorees to hand out a BotW to any bitmoji receiving a sub-5-rating. Better luck with next week’s batch. At least this one has some new art and fontwork, but “You’re It!” just doesn’t seem like a particularly useful phrase in online communication unless you happen to be playing CyberTag (which, btw, if you’re visiting Cookeville, TN, is #7 on the list of local Exciting Places to Visit by the Tennessee Technological Marketing Club’s website), but are you really going to pause from shooting lasers at your friends to send them bitmojis?
[missing 4th newmoji]
You can’t score higher than 0 if you don’t show up to the competition. Thems the breaks.
[missing 5th newmoji]
I’d never given out a 0-rating before this week. I actually had to create a 0-rating bitmoji just now so I could dole out these goose eggs
[missing 6th newmoji]
Maybe this is a little harsh, I don’t know. Maybe I’m just trying to lash out at Bitmoji for the pain I feel from not getting my usual dose of 6 newmojis last Friday or today, and from the half-assed quality of what few new ones are on offer this week. Maybe I need to talk to my therapist about my issues. I won’t drag this out, though. After today, I’ll stop assigning 0-ratings to bitmojis that don’t exist for their crime of not existing. Even if I have to get used to the decidedly sub-optimal new reality of fewer new releases each week. Just grant me this week to rage at the forces beyond my control or influence. Plus maybe the artists will come back from vacation next week and everything will be just peachy!
NOTE: While the 10-rating, 5-rating, and 1-rating are actual official bitmojis, the rest of the ratings (0, 2, 3, 4, 6, 7, 8, and 9) are unofficial custom creations, so you don’t expect to find them in the Bitmoji app or The Bitmoji Museum Archives. Names applied to particular bitmojis are entirely unofficial and used only for convenience.